The most critical moment of a bout is when the chatter of my mind becomes the loudest and my fears seem to unleash themselves against me. On my path as an athlete on the United States Fencing Team I have had to surpass countless bouts of adversity. As of late, my battles have largely been internal. 4 years ago I started meditating to learn to combat this internal dialogue and for a long time it really worked! My meditation practice helped me learn that I am not the dialogue in my head rather the observer of this dialogue. I stopped identifying with the chatter and I became disciplined at ignoring the noise in my head, which allowed me to focus free from self-doubt and distraction. In fact, everything just seemed to flow when I fenced. I was alert, focused and I felt so excited to be traveling the world with my teammates doing what I loved. I was playing, absorbing whatever I could and I was beaming with gratitude. Fencing had given me a deep sense of purpose. Every decision I took could potentially affect my performance so every facet of my life became an opportunity for introspection and evaluation. I was grateful and because I was grateful I was enjoying the process and because I was enjoying the process I felt present.
Gradually I had gotten used to the routine of competition and our travel schedule and I started losing my gratitude. I knew what to expect and I accrued some accolades and a reputation but a subtle change in my attitude began to take shape. I became so focused on outcomes and defending what I had won that I started going into bouts fencing not to lose rather than fencing to win. My losses turned into more losses and I developed anxiety about losing. A couple of seasons ago I felt fearless, maybe because I was an underdog with nothing to lose. So I thought that if I could clock in more hours at the gym I’d reap the results. Soon I felt over-trained and exhausted and that somehow the wins that were eluding me were owed to me because of my hard work. I even stopped curating art parties with my friends and making sculptures. Some days I could muscle out some results but the flow that I had felt my entire career seemed to have vanished.
I was obsessed with analyzing my defeats and a period of solemn introspection began. Without fencing results to prop up my ego I began questioning my identity. My other greatest life passion was art and I had cut that out in the name of sacrifice which left me feeling creatively stagnant. My yoga and meditation practices were some of the few things that kept me spiritually alive during this dark period. I practiced everyday and I devoured anything written on yogic philosophy, Ayurveda or Tibetan Buddhism. This taught me to look at my painful losses as teachings and the emptiness I felt inside as a chance to be receptive. My identity and my confidence began reshaping and my sense of self was starting to be rebuilt on the inner qualities that I tried cultivating rather than on outer accolades that I accumulated.
I stopped making sculptures but my creative impulses started manifesting in a different way. During this dark period I read and wrote a lot. I wrote poems about my anguish and I debriefed after tournaments with my journal. I took notes on my moods and where in my body I felt these moods and if they correlated with the chakras of the body. I logged the random thoughts that popped into my mind during these high-pressure situations and how the incessant chatter in my mind only seemed to get louder when a bout was close. Then last summer I embarked on a series of mental exercises after reading a book that my teammate gave me. The most powerful exercise by far had been one in gratitude. I did this constantly and everyday I continued finding new things to be grateful for. New energetic winds were circulating my body and I started creating again by exploring my passion for writing.
When I began reminding myself of the things I was grateful for the crippling affect that my fear had on me began to dissipate. I accepted the possibility of losing as a potential outcome of playing. My fears, my regrets and my expectations didn’t even matter as much because I knew I would be ok no matter the outcome. Every day I reminded myself of how lucky I was to be able to experience this human life. Whenever a situation came up in a fencing bout where I began to feel anxious or fearful I reminded myself of everything that I already had to be grateful for and the fear would dissolve and I could refocus. Gratitude allowed me to enjoy myself again and because I was enjoying myself I felt more present and when I am present I am able to enjoy the process of winning and losing rather than fighting against it. My defeats have been some of my greatest teachers and gratitude is my best weapon against fear. In summary, I have learned that gratitude can and should be a daily practice that will have life altering affects.
Original source:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/natalie-vie/gratitude-is-mightier-than-sword_b_8869950.html